Following on from the quiz in New Yorker magazine that "Girls" actress Lena Dunham wrote for the March 30, 2015 issue, I was inspired to use her quiz as the basis for another quiz.
The link to her quiz is at
http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/03/30/dog-or-jewish-boyfriend-a-quiz
Please feel free to take both quizzes, and compare the statements.
Do the following statements refer to (a) my dog or (b) Lena Dunham?
1. The first thing I noticed about her was her ugliness, and the second thing I noticed about her was her smugness. Idiocy was later.
2. The last thing I want to do is spend hours in bed together with her on Sunday mornings.
3. She’s crazy for cheesecake.
4. It’s easy, we will never live together and it’s going to be fantastic.
5. Our anniversary is in two days and I don’t care.
6. If it were up to her sanity, every room in her place would need to have padded walls.
7. But she has halitosis.
8. I feel that she is judgmental and wrong about any matter of real import. When I explain it from scratch, she still doesn’t get it, but she also rejects most logic by gut instinct.
9. This is because she comes from a self-righteous and self-important culture in which she fiddled with her sister’s genitalia and then wrote about it in a public forum and abused any who pointed out that this was sick, and she didn’t acknowledge her own need for help. She will be sucked dry by the media, who will ultimately leave her as soon as they find something more interesting, like grouting.
10. As a result of this dynamic, she expects to be queen of the world in this life, and anything less than that makes her aggressive, abusive and whiny.
11. I wish she were more excited about spending time in the gym.
12. At our local organic bistro, she never leaves three-quarters of her salmon fillet untouched, offering no explanation and offending the waiter, who will ask balefully, “Are you full yet, or would you like all the desserts now?”
13. She spouts anti-Semitic filth.
14. And she spouts anti-Semitic filth.
15. She never came with me to therapy once, although she definitely needs it hourly.
16. When I go out of town on a business trip, she eats chocolate in her underwear.
17. When I get home from the business trip, she ignores me for hours, sometimes days, which is fine with me. “Why don’t you find some catalogue model who just sits around all day and rubs your back? I bet you’d like that,” She hisses. “I apologize for my many accomplishments because I have to boast about how great I am because I am so important, and because I am so fantastic and because everyone else is less than me and should be looked down upon . I’m sorry you mean nothing to me.”
18. She respects only herself but is intimidated by actual coherent common sense and intelligent people. The tension between them takes the form of passive-aggressive pissing matches and hostile silences.
19. She’s really more of an ass.
20. She has a sensitive stomach and has to eat at least a 3 course meal before moving.
21. I have less Instagram followers than she does, so she must boast how great she is.
22. She ripped up my copy of “Hello” and “Obamacare for Dummies (aka the American People)”
23. My grandma hates her and says she’s a “crazy attention seeking sociopath”
24. Every week it’s some new health issue: urine crystals, sprained foot, beef allergy, brain fell out of her cranium.
25. She doesn’t enjoy nature and I do, which is fine because it’s important to share interests only if you want a relationship, and she also likes novellas, tag sales, Birkenstocks, hip-hop dance and loves fries and pizza.
26. She hates anyone who doesn’t think she is brilliant and she refuses to acknowledge her ignorance, even if she writes dumb offensive articles for the New Yorker.
27. In fact, she has hair all over her upper lip, like most females who share her hominoid genetic background.
28. Her best friend is named Lena Dunham.
29. She briefly dated another Lena Dunham, but she was thinner and in a trick mirror.
30. People who don’t acknowledge and bow to her self-attributed greatness trigger a primal fear in her.
31. In addition, she is openly hostile toward the non-Democrat voting community, focussing most of her rage on their ability to vote differently from that which she decrees in an Oprah like trance.
32. She has an obsession with herself that is troubling to me.
33. One spring afternoon, we walked to Dumbo to check out a new artisanal-Popsicle stand, when we ran into my friend Jill. Jill is actually more of an acquaintance—I don’t know her well, but I really like her; she curates high-end terrariums and she’s a clog designer on the side. She’s really slim and well dressed, in an all-American, J. Crew-model sort of way. She was immediately all over her, panting and making a fool of herself. It was humiliating. Because here’s the thing: I am not a Jill. I will never be a Jill. And if that’s what she is looking for—some anorexic hipster with a glossy braid and freaking Swedish clog boots she sewed by hand—she should never have written her idiotic missives in the first place.
34. She once vomited on her seatmate in United business class, then ran up and down the aisle in a panic. This is acceptable. Being on a United Airlines flight should make anyone vomit and run up and down the aisle in a panic.
35. She needs lots of psychiatric help to deal with some very troubling issues of insecurity and inadequacy.
36. This was a trick quiz with the answer being one and the same.
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